An open letter to dogs everywhere

I know it’s not your fault that I was attacked by a dog when I was six and I know that dog was probably just trying to play with me when it scratched the heck out of my face, but I’ve got a deep rooted negative opinion of you that probably isn’t going to change anytime soon.  I can be rational.  I’m willing to work with you.  I understand your need to protect your territory.  You stay in your yard and I’ll cross the street.  I’m just running by.  I don’t want to hurt you, or your favorite human or defile your property in any way.

Just be aware that I’m making every effort to signal to you that I mean you no harm.  So when you bolt out of your yard, cross the street and nip at my heels, I will run your furry ass into the ground.  You’re not going to win that.  If you haven’t caught me and dragged me down in the first 50 meters, it’s never going to happen.  This is Florida.  It’s hot.  You don’t sweat and you’re covered in fur.  You’re supposed to hunt in packs anyway.  So if you’re left panting in the middle of the street and you can’t find your way home, it’s not my fault.  You just made me do a fartlek and that will make me even faster next time.

So if you see me running by, just stay put.  A friendly bark and a wag of the tail might even get you a wave.  Just don’t chase me.  It’s not good for either of us.




  1. i got chased by a dog a few months ago and its stupid owner just stared and did nothing, but the devil made me run faster than i intended to and brought my pace up for that lap!

  2. actually i think this should be a letter to dog-owners. i just looove complacent dog owners… i guess they’re just considering you and your need to get faster. how kind of them. 🙂

  3. Thanks for the smile this morning!! A neighbor of mine (not next door, just living in the same area) was putting his trash out the other morning. It was 5 am, so I’m sure he assumed no one would be around. As I was running down the street, with a giant black lab in hot pursuit, it was everything I could do to not turn around and kick it square in the face. Poor dog just wanted to run….but it needs to learn to not sound so ferocious while doing it. 🙂

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